Observations of the Past Weeks (5/16/14)

The Observations of the Past Weeks from the wonderful, informative, timely, knowledge-filled world of social media. Or just stupid things I have thought of to post. Whichever makes you feel better.

I’m going to live dangerously. Running with scissors is overdone, so I am going to try walking with spatulas. (Nothing like living on the edge.)

Every time I hear geese, I think, “Please don’t fly right over me.” (And I do resist the urge to look straight up.)

Twitter tells me I have 16.6K tweets, but then I actually only have 16,595. Come on, Twitter, don’t inflate my hopes like that! (Numbers matter, people.)

Plants are such bullies, always putting down roots. (Ha.)

Instead of the “weekend,” they should just call it the “whirlwind.” (Same difference.)

Today: Cinco de Mayo. Tomorrow: Seis de Mustard. Wednesday: Siete de Ketchup. Thursday: Ocho de Pickles. Happy Hamburger Week! (Figured I better expand my annual joke instead of just reposting the same thing every year.)

That whole three hours without power really threw off my groove. And yes, I do have one. (And wouldn’t you like to see it? Probably not.)

Today couldn’t be more beautiful out if it were made of pure gold. But if it were, I could trade it for something nice, like a Pocket Hose. (Or a pair of Stompeez.)

Tonight was the first night I got a good collection of bugs on my windshield. In case anyone needs any extras. (Free to a good home.)

I think I have about a billion different things going on today. Give or take a few million. (I lost count after the first million.)

May is Electrical Safety Month, so here is a safety tip: Don’t lick your fingers before touching an electrical outlet. (Not that I speak from experience or anything.)

I’m in the background of a lot of photos tonight. Trying to think of a strange face to make, but nothing beats my normal one. (No comments, please.)

I learned a great memory technique today. Now if I could just remember what it was. (What were we talking about again?)

Jaylin: “You pick on me all the time.” Me: “Who else am I going to pick on? You don’t have a brother or sister.” Jaylin: “Aw.” (Now Jaylin wishes he had a sibling.)

Me: “Jaylin, you should be in the band. That’s where you meet the good looking girls like your mom.” Jaylin still wasn’t convinced. (Not everyone can handle the coolness.)

Things I have learned today: 1. I don’t know much about editing video. 2. You can learn something new each day. (Hello, new tricks - meet old dog.)

So what did people do with their spare time before they had to wait for video to render? (And how did they render video in the old tape days, anyway?)

Don’t you hate it when your neck hurts and you have no idea what you did to it? (Yes.)

Don’t you hate it when people wander aimlessly through Walmart and won’t get out of your way? (Yes.)

Don’t you hate it when Walmart only has 5 checkout lanes open at 5:15 pm? (Yes.)

Don’t you hate it when I’m waiting in line and get started on these “don’t you hate it” tweets? (Yes.)

Don’t you hate it when the Walmart checker wanders off in the middle of checking out the person in front of you? (Come back! I want to pay! Or really, I just want to go home.)

Steve the Sinus Weatherman says that rain is on the way. (How did my sinuses get to be so smart?)

My chair pops and creaks when I stand up. But then that sound follows me around when I walk, too. So maybe it isn’t my chair. (Must be my shoes.)

Hey, look - the rain is here! Helping out the accuracy of Steve the Sinus Weatherman once again. (Is that how the real weathermen do it?)

They keep describing the #AgentsofSHIELD series finale tonight as “shocking.” I’ll be sure to wear my rubber-soled shoes, just in case. (Or find a lightning rod.)

Today is the 14th day of this month in 2014. So XX/14/14 is one of those cool date days, right? It’s not? Aw, man. I was trying to be cool. (Next try to be cool: Spiky hair. Oh, wait.)

Today we had an inter-office lunch of ham, baked beans, and way too much dessert. I’m on sugar overload! (And lots of sugar really makes the afternoon seem to slow down, in case you were wondering.)

It is down to 55 degrees outside. When I leave here, I am going to be sad I left my jacket in the car. (Follow up: Yes, I was.)

It’s the middle of May and I’m turning the heat back on. What’s going on here? (And in other news, what is this Global Warming that everyone keeps talking about?)

Hello, Jacket Weather! Didn’t expect to see you back here so soon. (Jackets and May just really don’t mix.)

I always hate it when I try to close an email and end up closing the whole email program. (Maybe my email program should ask me “Are you sure?” first.)

“POLL: Only 4% of Americans Think They Have Below Average Intelligence” The other 96% thought that everyone else does. (I’m smarter than everyone else, right?)

That’s all for this time. Thanks for reading. Wait, is anyone actually reading this? Hello?